Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
Director - Nicholas Webster
The Plot
It opens with a TV newscast, a black and white interview with Santa Claus at the North Pole. The camera pulls back to reveal two glum looking Martian children watching the TV. One of the children is an 8 year old Pia Zadora.
The children on Mars do not act like children. They are serious little adults who can sleep only with the aid of "sleeping machines." Their father consults an 800 year old Martian Zen Master (obviously the inspiration for Star Wars' Yoda).
The Martians, in headgear made of old football helmets and copper plumbing, and sporting a somewhat blue tan, decide the only way to cheer up the children is to travel to the Cold War era earth and kidnap Santa Claus. They nab Old St Nick and two earth children - Billy and Betty - and rocket back to Mars.
Santa is provided a technologically advanced toy factory and faces his new life in a somewhat suspect jolly way. Billy and Betty become deeply depressed. But conspiracies abound on the Red Planet and the plot thickens like a double dip soft ice cream cone.
Stay for the end and you can sing along with the infamous song, "Hooray for Santy Claus!"
Film Notes
How Cold is Cold?
Produced in exotic Long Island, New York, this film could be viewed as a Cold War allegory.
The 1964 world looks to the United Nations for leadership, but the organization can only stand by helplessly (a young George Bush may have been influenced by this plot element) as Santa and the kids are taken to Mars.
The Red Planet is a place where everyone is literally wired to be the same. They are programmed (brain-washed) to be efficient workers who believe in nothing but the collective. There is no joy or wonderful beliefs that make life worth living. It's the dialectic of the proletariat.
Or it's possibly just an exploitation of the sci-fi movie popularity and the monster growth of the holiday season by Joseph E. Levine - the producer of Hercules and Mad Monster Party. (And, to be fair, The Graduate and A Lion in Winter).
Why You Should View This Film
This is a classic for at least two reasons:
- It's breathtakingly awful
- Pia Zadora is in the cast
Pia Zadora
Joey Heatherton had more talent in her little finger than Pia Zadora had in her whole body. Ms Zadora was a rather unsuccessful child actor whose multi-millionaire husband bought her fleeting (or was it fleeing) fame in such films as The Lonely Lady, Fake-Out, and Butterfly. She did manage a cameo as a beatnik in John Water's Hairspray. She won a Golden Globe for her role in the Butterfly. For the same film she also won a Razzie for Worst Performance of the Year. Wonder if a Golden Globe Award can be purchased? Wonder no longer.
Bill McCutcheon
How did such an accomplished actor find himself in such a vehicle playing Droppo? Bill McCutcheon was an accomplished stage, film and television actor. He began his career as Leo the Leprechaun on the Howdy Doody Show. In the 1950s he won three Emmy Awards for his role as Uncle Wally on Sesame Street. He won a Tony Award for Anything Goes and an Obie Award for The Marriage of Bette and Boo.
The Director
One film on civil rights, another on religious conversion, a few episodes of Bonanza and two science fiction films – that is the eclectic career of Nicholas Webster.
Trivia Pursuits
Composer Milton DeLugg replaced Skitch Henderson as Tonight Show bandleader in 1966. There has been much debate over whether Jamie Farr (from M*A*S*H) actually appeared in this film. He denies it, but the truth may be he is just ashamed.
-- Ed Schneider
Ingmar Ozu-Bresson on Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
"Si le Père Noël n'existait pas, tout serait autorisé. Donc, nous sommes obligés de l'inventer."
("If Santa Claus did not exist, everything would be permitted. Therefore we are compelled to invent him.")
Cast & Production Credits
| Pia Zadora | Girmar |
| Charles G. Renn | Hargo |
| Doris Rich | Mrs. Claus |
| Al Nesor | Stobo |
| Christopher Month | Bomar |
| Carl Don | Von Green/Chochem |
| Victor Stiles | Billy |
| Ned Wertimer | TV News Announcer |
| Gene Lindsey | Polar Bear |
| John Call | Santa Claus |
| Donna Conforti | Betty |
| James Cahill | Rigna |
| Vincent Beck | Voldar |
| Bill McCutcheon | Dropo |
| Lelia Martin | Momar |
| Josip Elic | Shim/Torg |
| Leonard Hicks | Kimar |
| Jamie Farr(?) | Stobo |
| Jaylor Productions | |
| Joseph E. Levine | Producer |
| Paul L. Jacobson | Producer |
| Nicholas Webster | Director |
| Glenville Mareth | Screenwriter |
| David Quaid | Cinematographer |
| Roy Alfred | Songwriter |
| Milton Delugg | Songwriter / Composer (Music Score) |
| Maurice Gordon | Art Director |
| Ramse Mostoller | Costume Designer |
| George Fiala | Makeup |
